meirl
OKAY
so.. this time in my life has been, wack.
i spent the beginning of the year being a dumb drunk. i was drinking for breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day for 2 months. 2 weeks ago i decided to stop and although i havent been sober the whole time, i have significantly reduced my drinking. but the reason i did is because i started to smoke at the times i would normally drink. so now i just get high all the time and still drink when i can (esp. when i get frustrated or upset). during this time i was also extremely depressed and unmotivated but had all these things to do for school and work and i became super overwhelmed. my anxiety was rampant and all i would think about is my unknown future because of the mass amounts of doubts i had on myself. i would try to do something then it would blow up in my face and i didnt know how to deal with it other than to drink and forget. it got me in a mess with people and i hated who i was becoming.
i have been waiting for the spring and summer time because that is when i THRIVE. that is when i left everything go and soak in as much sun as i can. that is when i finally fucking feel alive again. this was also the summer that i finally graduate college. after all of the ABSOLUTE SHIT that it has been, i was finally about to be done. i was going to walk away with something that took so much out of me. something i didnt even want anymore because i resented what it had done to my life. but also something i was so incredible proud of myself for. knowing of all the bullshit it took to get it. and it signified that it was DONE and i would never have to do anything ever again.
but now its all cancelled. now i might not even graduate because my class has been cancelled and i need it to graduate. maybe i will find the determination that is completely nonexistant in me right now to do whatever it takes to finish. maybe i can sign up for another bullshit class that i dont fucking care about to make sure that i dont have to come back. or maybe i can accept that its so stupid for me to keep trying. maybe this is just another sign thats telling me to fucking stop. maybe its telling me not right now, or its saying “wait for another time in your life”. i dont know how to interpret it.
all i know is i am tired. i am tired of 2020 and i am tired of trying even though i shouldnt. i need to listen to myself when i say that im not doing anything with my life and im not good at anything. i just want to not have to push through anymore. life is hard for everyone and im not special but i know that it hurts me.
it mentally hurts me so much every day to have to be alive. it hurts so much to have to deal with all the noise in my head. to deal with all the memories of the ways you have fucked up. all the thoughts of how im doing everything wrong. it especially hurts knowing that there are things there to help me , but they dont help me at all. and im scared to deal with this for however long i live.
im just tired..
but here is the thing!! im high as fuck and drunk as fuck right now! and i am CHILLIN!!!!! i am dancin to mac and having a grand time. fuck y’all lmao
im garbage
why does this always happen literally a year ago i was at the same low i am now and its so shitty to buy into this cycle of self hatred because i know in a few months i will be completely fine. but i also know in a few weeks i will be even worse than i am now
fat-girl-for-life